About a month ago I decided that enough was enough. I needed to lose weight, I hate the way I look and feel, plus it is so hard trying to keep up with Hunter and Hayley. On top of everything I have fibromyalgia which effects all of my joints so I am always in pain. I have felt fat my whole entire life, though looking back through photos I realized that I really wasn’t. Once I hit my 30’s I put on some weight, I guess staying home, raising and homeschooling the older kids, plus being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia all contributed to my weight gain. I was so busy, plus it hurt to move. Also, I had a GREAT dislike to any kind of excercise at all! Once I hit my 40’s and with the adoption of Hunter & Hayley and then at 42 the diagnose of Autism for Hayley and at 44 the diagnose of Aspergers for Hunter, I truely let go of myself. I moved to Florida for 2 1/2 years to get intensive one on one behavioral therapy for Hayley as New Jersey had such a long wainting list. I was away from Dave, who is my main support, for most of that time. He would fly down for weekends once in a while off tax season, and then take his vacation weeks in the summer and come to Florida. It still was very little, I was left with Hunter & Hayley as well as Craig & Tracey. It was such a difficult time overall. Neither Craig nor Tracey wanted to be there so at one point when Craig really started to act out, I sent him home to Dave. Craig spent the entire tax season doing his school in an empty office in Dave’s building. It was during this time that I completely let go. I was so tired and stressed, I didn’t want to cook so we wound up ordering out most of the week, plus the wine after the kids went to bed certainly was very welcome. Even once I came back to New Jersey all the stress was still there, plus more, that I won’t even go into, and so I continued to gain. My 40’s are a blur and I feel like I woke up at 50, looked in the mirror and said “what happened to me?” That was in June, and still the months have gone by with me doing nothing to help myself. I will say last April, Dave and I were out together during the week when the kids were in school (this is VERY rare). We had just left lunch when he pulled into Healthquest which is an absolutely beautiful gym facility. I looked at him and asked “WHAT are we here for????” He just said that he would like to start excercising and maybe I would like to as well. I didn’t say it, but I did not want to go to a gym. We have an excercise room at home that has all the equipment you could want (mostly because of Kevin when he lived home), so if we didn’t excercise at home, what made him think me especially, would drive to the gym! We got in there and got seduced by all the wonders. Unbelievable workout floor, numerous classes, gorgeous indoor and out door pool, a cafe that sells amazing healthy food, a spa, etc. We signed up. I said I cannot wait to start I am so psyched!!!! I am finally going to start getting in shape before I am 50……….January 1, 2011, not even in the ballpark of feeling or looking any better. Why? because I rarely went, I always had something I “needed” to get done…….since last April, Dave has consistently gone to the gym. Not me. Oh I have went on and off over time, mostly walking on the treadmill or around the track. But since my body hurts so much, I just didn’t want to face any additional pain from the weight training or other numerous machines. Because of all the “issues” in my house, my Psychologist said I was clinically depressed and suffering from Post-traumatic stress syndrome for a long time. She suggested I go to a Psychiatrist for medication but I refused. At the end of December 2010 I had my yearly physical. As I cried through most of the visit, the doctor said “you need to go to a Psychiatrist to get medication, you and your husband are living through situations that no other person could imagine, I cannot fathom living with what you are living with”. I found a Psychiatrist that I visited the first time the beginning of January, went through our life story, and she prescribed medication. After 4 weeks of taking the medication I started to feel better, more positive. Things didn’t look so bleak, and I realized that some of this stuff will never go away, and I needed to make peace with it and move on. This is what I did…. I started watching what I was eating and drinking and lost 10 lbs. in 3 weeks. Once I lost the 10 lbs. i realized for the first time in years that I know I can do this and most importantly WANT to do this. Mostly for myself to look good again and most importantly for my health, and for the kids so I am around alot longer (want to see those weddings Katie and Kevin, grandchildren too !) I want to do it for Dave too (I will be mum on this). Last month we received from Healthquest a $150.00 off coupon for personal training. Dave knowing my struggles of getting around a gym suggested I check it out. So I did, and today was my first appointment. I filled out papers and had a weigh in (not pretty) plus measurements taken (really not pretty) and then testing my heart rate (not too bad) and flexibility (I am not flexible in any manner). My trainer took down all the information and is putting a program together that I will start next Tuesday. I will be going Tuesdays and Thursdays, twice a week for 6 weeks and she wants me to come in one additional day to do extra cardiovascular work. I know all of this will take time but I am really excited, finally doing something for me. The laundry can wait, the making of beds can wait (this will be hard but doable) and for now any appointments I make will be on a non gym day or in the afternoon. I KNOW I can do this, my trainer pointed out to me several elderly people that have been excercising there since the gym opened. One lady was 85, one man was 87 and the last man 90!!!! Wow they looked great and put me to shame at 50. I guess it is never to old to start taking care of yourself and as I left the gym today and looked at all the people excercising in various ways I decided that….I AM worth it…………the journey continues……………..